Some years ago I was working on a project with a team comprised of senior leaders. On a conference call, I had a couple of awkward interactions with one of the team members. I felt that he made some dismissive comments in response to some of my comments after which there occurred some awkward silence. So, I quickly emailed him and suggested we book time to talk. And we did. It was scheduled for noon on a Thursday in my Atlantic time zone.
As noon on that Thursday drew near, I was dreading the conversation. At noon I called him and I began with ‘how’s the weather in your part of the world?’ He said it was fine and he asked the same of me. After I shared niceties about our fantastic weather in Saint John I quickly moved to the purpose of the conversation.
I said ‘I get the feeling you are upset with me.’
He responded ‘No, I thought you were upset with me.’
I responded that I wasn’t and then we talked about our recent interactions. We realized we had misinterpreted responses and intentions. It was still a little awkward but a new and better awkward.
What continues to amaze me about this interaction is that based on our misinterpretations, we created some weirdness in our relationship. If we had not addressed the perceived issues, I am confident that to this day that weirdness would persist, and if asked I’d be saying ‘I don’t know what it is, but we’ve never been comfortable working together.’ However, we addressed the issues early and we continue to comfortably do occasional work together.
How To Manage One-On-One Conflict
I write this because these scenarios of conflict are common. Dealing with conflict, real or perceived, is one element of leadership. Here is my approach or dealing with these scenarios;
1. Schedule a time to talk one on one
2. After niceties say something like ‘I get the sense you’re upset with me.’ It’s important to have specific examples ready, but start with a general statement as you might be entirely wrong on why the other person may be upset with you. Don’t start with a specific example.
3. If the other person doesn’t want to address the issue let it go. There will be a future opportunity to try this approach again.
4. If the person does want to address the conflict let her talk. Your role is to listen and only say ‘I see,’ and ‘ok.’ This doesn’t mean you agree with all she is saying but you want to acknowledge that you’re listening. When there is conflict, you’re dealing with emotion and you need to let the other person tell you why she has reacted as she has. Let her tell her full story.
5. As the other person tells you how he feels you wronged him, he will likely lose eye contact as he replays the scene in his head and describes it to you. Just keep listening.
6. Eventually the story will wind down. Be comfortable with some silence. As the emotion is expunged, you’ll start to get eye contact again. Test for completion with ‘Okay. I see. Anything else?’ If there’s more, continue to listen.
7. If there’s nothing more ask this key question, “Where do we go from here?’ 90% of the time the other person will say ‘I just want to do my job, and I’m glad we had this conversation.’ If they don’t say that, that’s another level of conflict management and another article for another day.
8. In a team environment, your goal in managing conflict is to repair a working relationship, to be able to work together. You might become friends in the future, but in most situations, we simply need to be respectful and learn to work together.
Accepting That Conflict Will Occur
Differing view points about goals, strategies and results is not uncommon. A disagreement about goals, strategies and results isn’t usually a personal attack. It’s always advisable to listen to other viewpoints and consider the pros and cons of other interpretations We all want to be listened to and respected.
That said, when conflict occurs, or is perceived to be present, effective leaders work quickly to understand it, manage it and resolve it.
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