How To Sound Unconfident

While I was killing time watching some short clips stream past on social media, a promotion piece ran.  While I didn’t pay much attention at the time, it has stuck with me and I continue to think about it.

The speaker offered three tips and the one that has stuck with me encouraged viewers to eliminate filler words when they speak.  The artist said every filler word makes you sound uncertain and unconfident (her choice of word). I agree.

Poor Habits

We become comfortable in our speaking habits. Most of us will use an occasional ‘um,’ “ah,” “like,” or “you know” as they work through their thoughts.  However, when these non-words and low-value additions become pervasive in our speech patterns, most listeners will pick up on the hesitation, and interpret your usage as uncertainty and lack of confidence.    

 

Poor Role Models

We learn from people around us, and particularly those in media. Many exhibit poor speech habits.  You can likely think of a public figure who uses ums and ahs extensively.   I quickly recall a former politician as he would routinely start his sentences with an um.  I can’t understand why he needed an um to get started.  That must have driven his staff to distraction. 

As a listener, I can and I would filter that non-word out, but I always think about how easy it would be for him to correct his adopted habit. Why would he repeatedly start a sentence with a noise that isn’t word?

How To Correct Poor Speech Habits

Correction starts with awareness, and then substituting a good habit.   A brief pause is a much better habit.  A pause does not require a listener to filter, and even allows the listener to think about what she’s heard, instead of processing, or purifying, new input.

If you know someone who uses excessive filler words, be very careful before you call this to his or her attention. Most people believe they’re effective communicators, even if you struggle to process their speech. Most listeners will fight through the challenges to understand a message if the message is important to us.  

 

Landing Your Message

I hope you’ve observed  that the most effective speakers use actual words, and few non-words and noises, to deliver their messages. When listeners need to filter and select actual words, the speaker is requiring the listener to work harder.

Listening can be hard work. Processing a message can be hard work. Determining a speaker’s message can be hard work.

It is our job as communicators, as speakers and leaders, to make our messages easy to understand.

 

 

Creating Shared Experiences

 “Remember that time we made the six-hour drive to Sunday River ski hill and it took twelve hours to drive back in that huge snow storm?” 

https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/b/car-driving-snow-covered-road-snowstorm-winter-storm-taken-windshield-blurred-snowflakes-175751159.jpg

I was recalling this recently with a friend with whom I shared this unexpected and unwelcome experience after a two-day ski trip in Maine. On return, as we crossed the Canada-U.S. border in St. Stephen, the border officer looked at us as if we were daft to be on the roads during the blizzard. It was daft, but there are few opportunities to stop between Bangor, Maine and Saint John, New Brunswick. Especially in early winter, when many seasonal properties are closed. Once one starts on the journey, one is committed. 

This remains a memorable experience for me and my friend Paul. Shared experiences like these create bonds, break down barriers, and can provide laughs for years.  

Further below I’ve provided a gift article about a school crossing guard who builds experiences and community connections.

 

Creating Shared Experiences

My sister Janet maintains a blog titled Carefull Connections  focused on supporting people, especially family, with memory and cognitive issues.  The lessons apply much more broadly. In the post linked below she writes about creating shared experiences, and how we often later joyfully recall these. Drop her a message at the blog if you find the content useful.

Any of us can remember often silly, but often significant, events that happened with a friend or family member.  We’ll usually start sharing those stories with “remember that time …”  It’s difficult to encounter such experiences in an online environment.

https://carefullconnections.blogspot.com/2023/01/connecting-in-visit.html

Building Community and the Role of Social Media

Is social media effective in enabling us to form community? I believe it is somewhat effective and helpful, but not a substitute for face-to-face communication, and not for conducting difficult conversations.

The article below professes that “social media is the refined sugar of social interaction.” That’s about right, isn’t it?  And too much refined sugar is unhealthy for humans.

Face-to-face communication requires skills that are difficult, and likely impossible, to refine online.  Online communication is convenient, but not a substitute for face-to-face, which is more complex and nuanced, and requires a listener to process tone, vocal quality, facial expressions and body posture. 

Perhaps these days people lack confidence in their ability to manage face-to-face social interaction. 

See https://theconversation.com/why-our-screens-leave-us-hungry-for-more-nutritious-forms-of-social-interaction-142019

 

Maybe Seriously Unhealthy?

In a similar manner, too much online communication can be unhealthy for humans.  Studies are available that document Internet Communication Disorder (ICD).  The passage below is from the abstract of a 2016 academic article

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2016-59883-001

“Online communication applications such as Facebook, WhatsApp, and Twitter are some of the most frequently used Internet applications. There is a growing amount of individuals suffering diminished control over their use of online communication applications which leads to diverse negative consequences in offline life. This could be referred to as Internet-communication disorder (ICD)”

 

A Crossing Guard Who Builds Community Connections

Please enjoy my gift article from The Toronto Globe and Mail about a crossing guard who turns a cold intersection into a place of warm connection.

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/gift/ed62f13db6b8f227d6585f7e68e07fff92b35a03f48ff37120f1c7e6ff76930b/2ODYK6S3LZCFRAXCINRKK2LKL4/

 

A Simple Networking Tip

Over the past few years, I’ve served as a mentor for some newcomers to Saint John.  I’m paired with newcomers typically because of my background in public speaking, and experience in communication and leadership. Locals are often well immersed in, but unaware, of our subtleties in our communication styles and social habits. Newcomers work hard to pick up on cues and are eager to learn and fit in.

Mentoring & the Topic of Networking

A common discussion I have with newcomers is about networking.  Newcomers know it’s important, but they’re usually uncomfortable with the approach, and unsure how to begin. I offer them an approach, and a simple plan to execute. These are described later in this post.  I also let them know that most people are uncomfortable with networking.

I can’t think of many people who are comfortable networking. Usually in group settings people will find some friends or acquaintances and huddle with that group for the duration of an event. It is usually difficult to be invited into these huddles as they’ve established comfortable cocoons.

My Approach

While it’s comfortable to find friends and acquaintances and huddle with them, that doesn’t expand one’s network.

My approach when networking at events is as follows;

1. Don’t approach groups unless invited. They’ve congregated for some reason and have likely engaged in a discussion about shared interests and experiences, and it’s difficult to gain access. Usually. Groups of two can be an exception.

2. Watch for eye contact. If someone in a group or standing alone makes eye contact, take that as a cue that they may welcome a conversation. So, walk over, smile, say “Hi I’m so-and-so, what brings you to this event?” This question invites conversation on your first common experience of being at the same event. Their response will likely provide fodder for some further polite questions appropriate for networking.

3. People standing alone. These people are usually good choices for starting a conversation. They too may be feeling awkward about networking, or simply waiting for a friend or partner to return. Regardless, they’re a good choice for exercising your networking skills. Walk over, smile, say “Hi I’m so-and-so, what brings you to the event?”

Finding Follow-up Questions

Once you ask what brings someone to an event, their response will likely offer opportunity for polite follow-up questions. Here are some responses I’ve heard, and follow-up questions as I recall them.

Response 1: “Oh my company is sponsoring the event and my boss wanted to make sure we had people in attendance.”

Follow-up 1: “Oh do you attend these sorts of events frequently with your company?”

Follow-up 1 alternate: “What was the last event you attended prior to this one?” (This is a better follow-up as it is an open- ended question, that is, can’t be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no.’)

 

Response 2: “My wife is speaking at the event later and she dragged me here.”

Follow-up 2: “Interesting. Why was she chosen to speak at the event?”

 

Response 3: “I support the agency hosting the event and just showed up to support them tonight.”

Follow-up 3: “Fantastic. What draws you to their cause?”

 

A Simple Plan I Use at Networking Events

I like to use simple plans and structures for many communication scenarios. Here’s an approach to networking;

1.  Walk into the room and get a non-alcoholic drink. This provides you an opportunity to scan the audience as you approach the service and walk through the room

2.  Identify a few individuals, or groups of two, that appear approachable

3.  Once you have a beverage in your hand, start approaching prospects for conversation

4.  Your right hand should be free. In North American business settings, we’ll usually shake hands on introduction. Your right hand should be available

5.  Walk over, smile, say “Hi I’m so-and-so, what brings you to this event?” Listen for opportunities in their answer for polite follow-up questions.

 

Questions That Are Off-Limits

In all societies there are questions that are off limit. In my travels I have had some questions that were outside of my cultural experience and comfort zone.  For example, I have been asked “how much money do you earn?”

 I later learned that this question indicates that the person asking believes the other to be an important person, with a prestigious position, and therefore a significant salary.

It’s a learning process, but it’s best to observe and learn from other conversations.

 

Conclusion

Most people are uncomfortable with the process of networking.  Yet, most people recognize the value of expanding their network, or simply being kind to others who look uncomfortable.

The more successful you are at engaging in brief networking conversations, the more conversations you’ll be invited into.

Other Approaches

Here are some other ideas on networking from Harvard Business Review.

https://hbr.org/2022/11/a-better-approach-to-networking