Managing perceived conflict is a key skill for professionals. People need to be comfortable assessing the presence of conflict and managing it if it is present. However, sometimes we manufacture conflict or imagine that it is present. There is a simple test you can perform to assess if conflict exists between you and someone else. It’s simple, but intimidating. I wrote about that test in this blog post https://gycz.blogspot.com/2022/02/dealing-with-team-conflict-real-and.html
Conflict: Real or Imagined
One of the most damaging aspects of conflict is believing
conflict exists, but not confirming it. During this time, those involved can
actually manufacture weirdness that feels like conflict. if you believe someone has an issue with you,
you will behave differently towards that person. Here’s an example when I did exactly
this.
Once I was working on a project with half a dozen people
from around the world. Let’s say the other persons name was Len. In one of the early
team meetings, I made a comment and Len immediately followed with a comment I
thought was dismissive towards my contribution. I thought that was odd, but it was
only one instance so I let it go.
During the next meeting, I again made a comment and Len
immediately made a comment I again perceived as dismissive. I thought ‘what is up with this guy?’ When
the meeting ended, I emailed Len and said that I thought we needed book a time
to talk. He emailed his agreement. We
booked time on a Thursday at noon. Len was in a different time zone hours ahead
of me. I was on the west coast doing some work.
As that Thursday noon approached, I was feeling very uncomfortable
with addressing the perceived conflict. Nobody enjoys dealing with conflict. I
initiated the call, feeling very awkward, so I asked him about the weather where
he lives. He then politely asked me
about the weather where I was. Just a little avoidance. Very awkward.
Then I asserted “I get the impression that you’re upset with
me.”
He responded “no, I thought you were upset with me.”
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. I responded somewhat
confused and somewhat surprised with something like “oh, ok. I thought from
your comments on the last couple of calls that you took issue with my
suggestions or approach.”
He replied simply “no.” His tone indicated he was surprised
by this. I guess he wasn’t aware that I thought he was ripping my comments.
Then we talked about the project, next steps, and making
some progress. We just got on with our work. Now many years later we sometimes
do some work together. While he’s not a close friend, he is a friend.
Manufacturing Weirdness
When I reflect on this example what continues to amaze me is
that in the period when we perceived conflict but had not confirmed conflict,
we manufactured weirdness between us. If we had never sought to confirm that
there was actual conflict, that weirdness would exist still. Today I would be saying something like “I
don’t know what it is but we were never comfortable with one another. Odd. I wish I knew why, but it’s always been
a difficult relationship”.
Assessing the Existence of Conflict
In my opinion, a key attribute of a professional is to test
if there is conflict. If conflict is
perceived, you can try to confirm it exists, and if it does not, then you’ll
take comfort in confirming that any weirdness was simply manufactured by the
participants.
I provide some simple steps to test for conflict in this
blog post https://gycz.blogspot.com/2022/02/dealing-with-team-conflict-real-and.html
Additionally I’m sharing a clip of a presentation I
delivered in September 2018 in Taipei, Taiwan.
At the 18:00 minute mark during the question and answer period an
attendee asked about dealing with conflict.
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